


Summonings aka Batman Hates Magic

by Living_Free



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Dick smothering Damian, Familiars, Familiars AU, Fluff, Humour, M/M, batfamily, everyone gets a familiar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-06
Updated: 2017-06-06
Packaged: 2018-11-09 17:13:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11109132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Living_Free/pseuds/Living_Free
Summary: The BatFamily gets familiars, courtesy of Zatanna.Also, Bruce hates magic. Yes, especially you Zatanna, I didn't ask for this, how dare you give me a powerful tool to aid me in my fight for justice- Dick, stop petting that thing!





	Summonings aka Batman Hates Magic

There is a pulsating energy in the Batcave. It's not malignant, not by a long shot; more anticipatory and brimming with the promise of power. The entire family is gathered, with the addition of Zatanna, and they are all seated in a circle. "We will now summon our familiars," Zatanna whispered, even her soft breaths loud in the reverberating silence of the cave. "They will protect you when you are incapacitated. They are extensions of yourselves, your spirit and natural forms. Embrace them- Bruce stop making that face," Zatanna snaps.

Bruce contorts his face even more. "I don't like Magic."

"Well, it's going to protect your children when they're out in the field, so hard bun," Zatanna retorts. "Now," she turns back to the gathered bat-children, "on the count of three, summon your animals with the words 'Deíxe mou tin psychí mou!'"

"Deíxe mou tin psychí mou!" They repeat obediently. Almost instantly, a vortex begins to form in front of Dick, who gasps, but stays in his position. Bruce, however, has no such qualms, and tries to hide Dick under his cape. 

The vortex grows larger, until a large, shadowy, form steps out of it. It walks slowly into the light of the cave, revealing itself to be a large wolf, with a pitch black coat and piercing blue eyes. It turns to snuffle Dick's cheek, and proceeds to walk over to Damian, flatten him, and groom him with its tongue. 

"Well, that's accurate," Tim remarks, as they watch Dick's familiar groom an irate, flailing, Damian. Dick looks thrilled, and goes over to pet his familiar and Damian, who seems to have admitted defeat and is lying facedown, allowing both versions of Dick to coddle him. 

Bruce pounces to grab Dick and Damian away from the potentially rabid animal, but is thwarted by a large creature shooting out of the vortex and flying into his face. "Oomph!"

"That was underwhelming," Jason chortled, as Bruce peels his own familiar, a bat, off of his face. "Also completely predictable. You're as plain as a pancake, Bruce."

"Pasty, too," Cassandra adds, poking Bruce's pale cheek. "Needs more sun."

The vortex pulses again, and this time, a large bird flies out to perch on Tim's shoulder. "Cool," he says, inspecting what appears to be a crow. "I like my familiar, he's awesome. Clever, intimidating, and has a plumage as dark as my coffee. I'm going to name him Espresso. You like that?"

The crow caws in agreement, before dipping its beak into Tim's open coffee mug. It gurgles in contentment, and nuzzles into its human happily. 

"Cool, where's mine?" Jason asks excitedly, poking the vortex. In response, the vortex pulsates, and spits out a small ball of fur. 

"Squeak!"

"What the fuck," Jason whispers in horror. "What. The Fuck," he repeats, watching the hamster on the floor try to roll over and fail. "What is this? What is this thing?" He cries hysterically, pointing at the small ball of fur. The hamster rights itself and clambers onto Bruce, tickling the man's nose with its fluffy bottom. 

"AH-CHOO!" Bruce sneezes, swiping the hamster off of his shoulder. Jason catches his familiar before it hits the floor and tucks it into his pocket. 

"Hey! Don't hurt Red Rodent!"

"Oh my God," Tim says over his coffee, "they've bonded. Man and mouse have forged an unbreakable bond."

"Anything that annoys Bruce is alright by me," Jason replies, petting Red Rodent's exposed head that sticks out from his chest pocket. "Hey, Tim, I'll treat you to post sex breakfast if you can make Red Rodent a costume with little guns."

"Tim, no."

"Will you make me waffles?"

"Will you make me tiny guns?"

"Yes."

"No!"

"Shut up, Bruce. Then yes, I'll make you all the waffles."

"Deal."

Jason and Tim proceed to seal their deal with a spit-shake, and the vortex pulses again. This time, a graceful creature soars out and lands next to Cassandra.

"Swan," Cassandra coos, stroking the bird gently. "My swan."

"We'll need to test it and Tim's ugly crow for any strains of avian flu-" Bruce says, advancing upon the birds.

"HONK!"

"Augh!" Bruce screams, skittering away, while the swan looks around, obviously pleased with itself. 

"Ooh! Me next!" Stephanie squeals, bounding forward. The vortex pulsates in response, and chucks out-

"What the fuck."

"Oh my God."

"What is it?"

"It's a dodo," Bruce supplies with a small, cruel, smile. The dodo warbles tunelessly, and waddles around, going straight into a wall. It takes a step back, and continues to try and traverse the wall by walking into it again and again. At this point, Stephanie sinks to the floor in horror and desperation, while Jason is promising Tim the best night of his life if only he would film Stephanie's despair.

The vortex makes a last, gurgling noise, and spews out a small shape towards Damian before closing. Damian perks up and rushes towards the creature struggling on the floor. "Ha! My familiar is finally here! It will no doubt be a creature as fearsome and as awe inspiring as befits the son of Batman-"

"Meow."

Damian came to a stuttering halt as a small kitten hobbled over to him and licked his boot with its sandpaper tongue. "Meow," it cried again, rubbing against a shocked Damian's boot. Damian sunk to the floor once more, and Dick's wolf bounded over again, flattening him and the kitten this time, grooming them both.

Zatanna looked pleased at the result, and addressed the room. "These are the animal manifestations of your souls, and are pure energy and power. Call upon them not he heat of battle, and they will aid you."

The dodo, who had still not conquered the wall, rushed it with renewed determination, as Stephanie wept. Red Rodent had somehow taken it upon itself to woo Tim's crow, Espresso, and was in the middle of trying to mount the long suffering bird, obviously picking up on its Master's habits. Cassandra's swan was eating Bruce's cape, while Bruce's own bat had found a crevice to hang upside down in. 

"I doubt it," Bruce snorts, but is cut off when the swan nibbles on his Bat-balls through the costume. 

Zatanna giggles, looking forward to seeing the new members of the Batclan in action.

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**Author's Note:**

> Come by my tumblr - I am kindaangelic.
> 
> If you love BatFamily, then feel free to pop over and scream with me.


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